In the southern Congo, scientists have unearthed the fossil remains of what is now called "the earliest link between the African hominid and early primates". "Coonus Dumassicus" was discovered by Dr. U.B. Cornhold of USC Berkeley's Anthropology Dept. in California. Dr. Cornhold had been searching in the cliff face of a dried stream bed in the middle of the dense Ubetcha jungle when he saw a skull protruding from the sediment. "I knew I had found something significant", said the doctor, "when I examined the skull closely and found that it possessed almost no cranial capacity whatsoever, much like today's modern Negro, but instead an extremely thick skull. It had a large boney parietal ridge above the place where the forehead would be on a Caucasian, and the teeth had been drilled and filled with turquoise and diamonds. The back of the skull was pointed and the entire face was more of a muzzle than anything human looking. A second, larger brain for this creature seems to have been located in its groin. The really interesting part of the find was when we were able to piece together how it lived and discovered that Dumassicus didn't hunt like other lower primates, but instead hung from trees all day and slept, then went out at night and stole the food from other monkeys to survive." The doctor ended with, "We were able to ascertain the cause of death of this particular ape because we found the wing bone of some early species of chicken lodged in the vertebrae of its neck or throat."
The fossils will be shipped back to Berkeley later this month. College elders have decided they will re-label it as a type of early Caucasian instead, so as not to upset the tender sensibilities of our Negro brothers and sisters...AP