Had some time on my hands and thought I would share this story with my fellow Chimpers.
Several years ago, a friend of mine with whom I deployed to the sandbox had some of his college buddies travel to Baltimore to hang out and party. Among these were a late-twenties something black chick (of the magic variety), a mid-twenties guy, and a fairly decent looking twenty-something redhead girl. They all stayed in a hotel not far from the Inner Harbor area downtown.
On a Saturday evening, I accompanied my friend and these three to dinner followed by a night of drinking at the “Power Plant”. For those unfamiliar, it is a huge building which actually used to be a coal-fired electric plant but was converted into a bunch of bars and restaurants. Its essentially the heart of the Baltimore’s waterfront entertainment area. The bar we were in catered to the younger crowd, so there were some typical frat-party type altercations that I witnessed over the course of the evening but nothing major. Everybody had a good time, especially Red who got very wasted and took quite a liking to my friend. We ended up closing the place down.
As we stepped out of the Power Plant, my heart sank, my hackles went up, and I literally became physically ill with dread. I swear friends, the entire area had magically transformed into a scene from Monrovia, Liberia. The streets were swarming, literally crawling with teenapers, bucks and sheboons all looking to mix and mingle with the drunk yuppies pouring out of the bars at closing time.
All of the monkeys were hooting and hollering at top volume. Most of the teenapers and bucks were busy catcalling the women while the sheboons ooked and eeked amongst themselves. The proper way to get through this is just to ignore them and move out smartly, but Red could hardly walk. Magic and my friend had to almost hold her up. Myself and the other guy were just trying to move as efficiently as possible while keeping our heads on a swivel. Red stumbles and breaks a heel and like all beta predators (e.g. Hyenas) the teenapers and bucks focus their attention on the wounded.
“Oh damn baaayyyby whassup!?”
“Dayum she beez fucked up! Lemme see dem tiddies!”
“Ayy! Heyy! come home wit meez!”
These phrases and other romantic expressions of affection erupted from the dusky horde.
Red responds to her eager suitors with bellowing screams of “F**k you!!!! F**K you you f**king assholes!!”
The situation has now degenerated significantly as the hominid pack is now closing in on us. I hear emanations from some of the rejected and clearly heartbroken young men as, “Bitch, whaddafuck?!” and “Oh, no she dinunt!” Chimpout is now imminent!
Trying to physically defend this chick I hardly know from what must have been just about every boon in Baltimore was clearly a losing proposition. I literally jump in front of a cab to stop it. Luckily theres no one inside it as a jerk open the rear door. Pointing at Magic, who was wide-eyed and shell shocked, I shout, “Get in and get her back to the hotel!”
Magic gets her in as the crowd is looming ever closer, but Red holds up the show, blubbering that my friend has to come with them. I grab him by the arm and tell him to go with the two females. “We’ll be fine, “ I say, “see you back at the hotel.”
I close the door and thread my way through the groidle that is thankfully, still preoccupied with the taxi. As the car takes off, some of the boons slap the doors and bang on the decklid.
So far, violence has been avoided, but myself and this guy I hardly know still have 10 blocks to go in a city that looks more Somalian than American...