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bigjoespompano
07-26-2008, 01:34 PM
Allow me to be candid. I have had a problem through out my life with 'anxiety.' In particular situations, my BP begins to go up and I tend to get a little 'shaky.' I've never had a full blown panic attack but I've gotten pretty close so my Doctor has given me a 'script' for it. All well and good but I really don't like pills. I'm more in to 'natural' remedies and that has led me into my latest project.

I've created a small electronic device that emits a particular sonic 'pulse' that creates a natural 'euphoria' in Humans. It's about the size of a pack of smokes and can be easily carried in a pocket or purse. In our 'clinical' trials, it has work superbly on people. Almost 90% have reported experiencing the mild 'uplift' totally removing their anxiety and creating a nice 'calming' effect. It's when we got to the 'Field Trials' that we began experiencing unintended reactions. Allow me to elaborate.

I was having a nice meal at a nice family-type place and was enjoying myself. Mid way through my meal, a typical 450# sow and her "Mahn!' sit down at a table across from me and immediately begin their loud, evil monkeyshines. Now any nigger this close and this obnoxious would tend to make anyone a bit nervous and I am no exception. Luckily for me, I was carrying my new sonic generator. I reached into my pocket and activated it to calm myself a bit. It that very instant, the damndest thing happened!

The nigger buck, who had been taking an endless stream of nigger abuse from his sow (and saying very little) got this strange look on his face. Sort of a "Now it all makes sense!" sort of look. He immediately grabbed a steak knife, lunged over the table and proceed to repeatedly stab his sow! By the time anyone could pull him off, she was long gone! Lets just say he didn't leave much to the imagination! It was pretty horrific yet, highly entertaining at the same time! Needless to say, my meal was ruined but I did enjoy the 'floor show!'

A few days later I was in town seeing my Doctor in his office. He has a place on the fifth floor in a nice medical complex. As I was sitting quietly in his waiting room reading a magazine, sure 'nuff, another 350# sow enters and plops herself down across from me. I tried my damndest to ignore it but how does one ignore a 350# gorilla in an other wise empty room? As it sat there smacking it liver lips and scratching itself all over (must've been in for it's flea treatment) I became somewhat 'nervous.' I immediately reached in my pocket for my 'little helper' and it happened again!

As soon as I activated it, this sow got the oddest expression on her face. Very similar to that buck in the restaurant. Another one of those "Yes! It all makes sense to me now!' looks. At that moment she stood up, screamed "Aw Jezus! I'm comin!" and immediately threw herself through the window and down five stories to the sidewalk below! (Luckily no one was hit.) I was now beginning to see that there might be a problem between my little generator and any nigger close by but I wasn't sure. What happened next convinced me.

As I was walking through town, I had to cross one of our bridges. A very pleasant walk over the water with a nice, cooling breeze coming off the river. Then it happened again. coming at me from the other direction (on the same side) were what appeared to be two teenapers dressed in what appeared to be gang garb. They saw me coming their way and gave each other that 'knowing' nigger glance and smile and I knew they had 'plans'

Again, I got anxious as I had no where to go but in the water, into traffic or back the other way (and they could easily outrun me). I reached into my pocket and activated my little box to try to calm me down and help me think straight on how to deal with this. Then it happened.

There was that 'look' again but this time it was coming from BOTH niggers. It was as if a 'veil' had been lifted from their minds and they now knew exactly what to do. One immediately hopped the rail and ran into the traffic lanes and was immediately hit and run over by a cement truck. While Jamal was dancing in traffic, Ladainian casually climbs onto the railing on the river side of the walk and leaps off into the river, where, I assume, he immediately drowned as I don't believe niggers can swim.

Are there any medical professionals out there who can give me advice and what might be happening here? In Humans, it works beautifully and does exactly what it's supposed to. When a nigger gets close to it, they seem to react in a most negative manner! Thanks for listening. Any advice one could provide would be most appreciated.

hatethenig
07-26-2008, 01:51 PM
You must be making this up!. But if it is true you'll be a rich man in no time because I'll want one along with 931 members here at Chimpout.

Hondo
07-26-2008, 02:16 PM
BULLSHIT

Now go jrk yourself.


.

bigjoespompano
07-26-2008, 04:13 PM
Bullshit, you say?

I'll have you know sir that I was once employed in 'New Product Development' at the Famous 'AFN Store!" The 'Nigger Death Ray" was my baby! Perhaps you remember it? It was a vehicle-mounted device in which you could emit a high powered beam at any nigger-mobile on the road. Because of the greasy nature of the niggers inside and the foul gasses they generate, the 'pulse' would immediately cause the vehicle to burst into flame, incinerating any and all nigger occupants! Generally, the only thing left of said nigger-mobile and it's occupants was a small pile of cinders easily swept into the nearest storm drain!

We are currently performing field trials on a new line of 'skeet' shooters for the shooting community. Instead of the common, boring clay pigeons being launched, we have developed a system (adaptable to any current Skeet system) that can convert from clay pigeons to live niggers! The response has been terrific. Everyone that has tried it says how much more interesting it is to aim at a flailing nigger than a boring old skeet!

Bullshit? Meeh!

evilhob0
07-26-2008, 04:31 PM
Dude how much and how many have you got. Im gonna need like at least 10million units

CoonTownYT
07-26-2008, 08:12 PM
Bigjoe I always really enjoy your posts :yrck

As for those who took the invention seriously, you should probably take your own advice :nanwank

UrbanMedic
07-26-2008, 08:18 PM
I realize this in jest, but I swear to god, if I ever see them hawking this on tv late at night, I'm ordering a case of them.

coonskin cap
07-27-2008, 03:19 AM
I want one too!! You are a genius for inventing this wonderful device. I think you'll get the Nobel Prize!! -nigwhip

AFN_Weasel
07-27-2008, 03:25 AM
Haha, that's pretty funny. I see you still have your unique writing ability and sense of humor. By the way, how is Bubba doing? Last I heard he was pissing off the wife by BBQing niggers in the back yard.

Evolution
07-27-2008, 04:51 AM
Now you just need to splice the signal into the live network feed for the next NBA finals. Or maybe the Obongo acceptance speech.

103rapesAday
07-27-2008, 06:14 AM
I realize this in jest, but I swear to god, if I ever see them hawking this on tv late at night, I'm ordering a case of them.

If this was real, I'd go into debt and whore my ass out on a corner like a crack whore for more. :lmao

Doc Johnson
07-30-2008, 10:01 AM
If only it were true....

RizzleMcDizzle
07-30-2008, 10:31 PM
Entertaining story. I wish it were true because then I would be buying a whole crate of those devices.